Even Greasers Need Repairs
by Greaserfreak
Summary: After buying a book by P.M. Curtis, Steve Randle decides to reunite with what is left of the gang he grew up with but hasn't seen in fifteen years. Set in Steve's POV.
1. Chapter 1

The book caught my attention when I walked past the book store as it sat on the new release shelf. But it wasn't the cover or the title of the book that had caught my eye. It was the name of the author. A name I was very familar with, even if it was just his initials on the cover.

P. M. Curtis, or as I've known him, Ponyboy. The younger brother of my best friend from childhood.

"So, you've become an author," I said, still looking at the book in the window. "Figures, you always were writing and daydreaming."

I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my wallet. When I saw that I still had money, even after purchasing more heroin the day before, I went into the store and bought the book. Once I was back outside, I took the book out of the paper bag that the cashier had placed it in and lightly ran my finger over the raised letters of Ponyboy's name.

It had been fifteen years since I had last seen Ponyboy. Fifteen years since the funeral. Yet, it only seemed like yesterday when I was sitting in that old church, looking at the closed casket that held my best friend. But asking God why He took Soda instead of me seemed to go on for a lifetime. Soda had more to live for than I did. His brothers needed him, especially Ponyboy who was only sixteen when Soda died. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think about Soda. No amount of heroin could bring him back or erase the horrors I had seen while in Vietnam. Soda was supposed to come home in time for Darry's birthday. Instead, he came home two weeks before his own birthday in a box. His life taken by a bouncing betty as he tried to get other soldiers out of the way.

That was the last time that I saw Ponyboy and Darry. It was also the last time that I saw Two-Bit. There was no way any of them could understand the pain that Soda must have gone through in his last moments. I on the other hand, knew the screams and look of pain all too well. I saw it many times while in Vietnam and still see it most nights when I go to bed.

I walked home and as soon as I locked the door, I opened the book and read the inside of the back cover that was supposed to be about Ponyboy. It said that he was living in Toronto with his wife and son. So, even Ponyboy hadn't stuck around after Soda's death. I wondered if Darry still lived in the old house that they had grown up in. It had been so long since I had been in that old neighborhood that I almost felt like I had never been there at all. It all seemed like a dream.

I read Ponyboy's book that night instead of taking heroin like I normally would. While I read, I could see the young kid that Soda brought everywhere. The kid who got on my nerves as much as I got on his because we both wanted Soda to ourselves. But, Ponyboy was no longer that little kid and Soda was no longer around to be stuck in the middle of everything. I wished he was. I missed Soda and the rest of the gang. My life hadn't been the same over the last fifteen years. And for the first time, I was ready to go back to the old neighborhood that I had grown up in. I was ready to face the past that I had ran away from and to reunite with what was left of the gang. I was ready to face my fears and the demons that had been haunting me ever since the war.


	2. Chapter 2

Tulsa had changed during the last fifteen years. Then again, how could I expect things to remain the same? Even I had changed over the years. Of course the herion didn't help much. Who would have thought that I would come out of Vietnam a drug user? Before the war, I only smoked cigarettes. I never imagined that I'd get into the heavy stuff. But, that's what happened over in Vietnam. It was what you did to pass the time and to forget what you were seeing in battle. However, nothing could really make you forget what you saw. Those images seem to stay with you and nothing you do can make them go away.

I arrived at the old vacant lot where the gang used to play football and have rumbles. There were a couple of kids there, along with a parent who was standing across the lot from me. Actually, the side he was on was only about a block away from where Soda had grown up.

"Daddy, Matthew won't let me play!" The only girl in the group yelled. She was a cute little thing with brown hair that was in pig tails.

"Matthew, let your sister play," the man yelled and from the tone of his voice, I could tell that he said it often.

"But dad, she'll just get in the way!" Matthew objected.

"It's only for a little while," the dad replied. "Your mother should have dinner ready soon."

"Let her play, Matt," another boy said. "It's not like we're going to tackle her or anything. We're just playing touch football."

"Well, I suppose," Matthew replied. "Alright, Anna you can play with us."

Anna ran over to the boys, making sure to stick her tongue out at her brother while the dad walked across the lot to me.

"Do you have any kids?" He asked.

I shook my head. "My exwife had a baby almost two years ago but it was stillborn. It was a girl."

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said.

"Yeah, me too," I said. "We had been looking forward to bringing her home. But had to bury her instead."

I briefly recalled the night that my daughter was born. The doctors and nurses had done everything they could to revive her but nothing worked. I was allowed to touch her and to say good-bye to her. She looked so tiny and there was nothing I could do but stand there and stroke her tiny cheek or hold her little hand.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost either one of my kids," the dad told me. "That has got to be a hard thing to go through."

"It is," I said softly aware that he was looking at me carefully.

"Steve Randle?" He asked.

I looked at him. How did he know who I was?

"You don't recognize me do you?" He asked.

I took a closer look at him and saw that he had pale blue-green eyes and brown hair that was already starting to get gray.

"Darry?" I asked.

"That's right," he replied with a grin. "Wow, I haven't seen you in..."

"Fifteen years," I finished for him.

"You left right after Soda's funeral," he said quietly. "So did Ponyboy."

"Ponyboy left then, too?" I asked.

"Well, not right after," Darry replied. "He stayed through Christmas. But then he found out that he could end up getting drafted, too and he went to live in Canada where there was no draft."

"So, you're the only one left?" I asked.

"Oh, Two-Bit still lives in the area," Darry told me. "Only he doesn't go by Two-Bit anymore. He goes by his real name now."

"Keith," I said absently as Anna joined us.

"Who's that?" Anna asked pointing at me.

"This is my old friend Steve," Darry told her. "Can you say hi?"

She waved at me before hiding behind Darry's leg.

"Cute kid," I commented.

Darry grinned with pride. "She's definately daddy's little girl. Matthew on the other hand is a mama's boy."

"I bought Ponyboy's book," I said as Darry picked Anna up. Again, he grinned with pride.

"He did a good job, didn't he?" He asked. "It's on the New York Times best seller list this week."

"That's amazing," I told him. "No wonder you look so proud."

"Hey, I raised him through his teen years," Darry said. "To see him make something of his life and be successful at it means a lot to me. Now I can understand why he was daydreaming so much when he was younger."

"I actually came over here to Tulsa because of Pony's book," I admitted.

Darry raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Well, when I saw his initials on the cover in the bookstore, I just knew it was written by him and reading it reminded me of the gang and growing up here," I said.

"You know, Keith's coming over for supper tonight," Darry said after a minute. "Would you like to join us? I'm sure he'd like to see you."

"I'd like to see him, too," I replied. "I take it you still live in the same house?"

Darry nodded. "I have done some work on it over the years."

"You always did enjoy fixing things," I commented. "When should I be there?"

"Around five is good," Darry told me.

"Sounds good," I said. "I'll see you then. I want to walk around and see some of the other old hangouts while I'm here."

I waved good-bye to Anna who managed to smile at me and walked away. I hadn't expected to run into Darry like that even though I was close to where he lived and now I was going to see Two-Bit in just a few hours. Darry had seemed kind of glad to see me, but what was Two-Bit or Keith as he was now being called going to think when he walked into Darry's house and saw me?


	3. Chapter 3

When I arrived at Darry's house later that night, I stood on the porch feeling a little lost. When I was younger, I used to just walk in and know that it was okay. But now I wasn't sure if I should ring the doorbell or not. It just felt strange not knowing what to do at a place I had once been so familar with. After a minute, I rang the doorbell.

"Come on in," Darry said when he opened the door. "Oh, and be careful of the Leggos on the floor. Matt's trying to build a castle."

"See my bear?" Anna asked me from behind Darry's leg. She held out a pink bear with a rainbow on it's stomach. "Daddy got me it."

"That's a nice bear," I told her.

"She really likes those Care Bears," Darry told me as he motioned for me to have a seat. "Everything she wants now has to have Care Bears."

"Is that what they're called?" I asked.

Darry nodded as he stepped over the pile of Leggos. "Fortunately, Care Bears are easier to pick up than Leggos. And they don't hurt if you happen to step on them in the middle of the night."

"I have two bears," Anna told me.

"One is mine," Matt said as he came into the room and sat down to work on his castle. "But I let her have it. My grandma gave it to me for my birthday."

"Keith should be here soon," Darry told me. "He's going to be surprised to see you, Steve. I'm not even sure if he'll recognize you after all these years."

"You did," I said. "How are his mom and sister?"

"They're doing okay," Darry replied. "His mom works as a waitress and got remarried about ten years ago. Carol lives in Seattle and works as a receptionist in a doctors office."

We sat for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence. My eyes kept looking at the flag that was folded into a triangle and placed in a case above the arm chair along with a few pictures of Soda. Soda had been buried with military honors and I remembered being one of the soldiers to help fold that flag at the funeral. I could recall forcing myself not to look at Darry or Ponyboy during those few minutes because if I had, I probably would have lost it. Especially if I had looked at Ponyboy. The kid had been devastated when he heard that Soda had been killed in combat and he was the one who had to break the news to Darry which had to be harder than telling us that Johnny had died.

"I take the kids to visit Soda's grave almost every week," Darry told me. "Pony goes there a lot, too when he visits."

"Does he visit often?" I asked.

"He tries to stop by at least once a year for vacation," Darry replied. "Speaking of Pony, he might be calling sometime tonight. His wife is in the hospital now."

"Is she okay?" I asked. Ponyboy had been through enough during his life.

Darry laughed as he nodded. "I forgot to tell you earlier that they're expecting a baby. His wife is in labor now as we speak."

"That's exciting," I told him.

"Hey, is this where the free food is?" Keith asked as he walked inside without bothering to knock or ring the doorbell.

"No, we charge five dollars a plate now," a woman said as she came out of the kitchen. She gave Keith a hug. "It's nice to see you again, Keith."

"Nice to see you too, Diane," Keith said.

Diane turned to me with a smile. "And you must be Steve. Darry has told me so much about you over the years. I'm just sorry I haven't met you until now."

"Well, I haven't exactly been around to meet," I said as I went to shake her hand.

"Oh, give me a hug," Diane said with a laugh. "Supper is almost ready. I hope you like pork chops."

Diane went back to the kitchen while Keith looked at me with his mouth hanging open in surprise.

"I don't believe it," Keith finally said once he was able to speak. "Steve Randle has made a return. I thought we'd never see you again."

"He decided to come for a visit after buying Pony's book," Darry told him.

"And you didn't tell me?" Keith asked.

"It was kind of a surprise visit," I said. "Darry didn't even know I was coming until he saw me at the lot earlier today. And while I'm thinking about it, when did you decide to start going by your real name instead of Two-Bit?"

Keith grinned as he sat down next me. "When I decided to get serious about my life. I still like to have a good time, but there just came a point where I had to grow up. You can still call me Two-Bit if you want. I don't mind."

I nodded absently as Diane announced that supper was ready. We all stood up and went to the table where Matthew had already sat down. Anna stood next to me and looked up at Darry. "I want to sit next to Steve."

"Okay, you can sit next to Steve," Darry told her as he put a booster seat on the chair next to mine and helped her up on it. He grinned at me. "She seems to like you, Steve. Don't be surprised if she asks you to read to her later."

"Let me guess," I said. "She has a Care Bear story book."

"Not yet," Darry replied. "But I think a certain uncle of hers might be willing to buy her one for Christmas."

The phone rang then and Darry answered.

"Pony, we were just talking about you," Darry said. "Yeah, Keith's here for supper. Steve's here, too. Said he bought your book."

I looked at Darry who was listening to what Ponyboy was saying on the other end of the line. A big smile spread across his face.

"Well, I should let you go enjoy your new daughter," Darry said. "Tell Elizabeth I said hello."

Darry hung up and returned to the table. The rest of us all looked at him, waiting to hear what Pony had to say. He turned to me first.

"I hope you plan on sticking around Tulsa, Steve, because he wants to see you when he visits in a month," Darry told me. Then, he looked at everyone. "Pony and Elizabeth just had a baby girl. They named her Stephanie Lynn and she weighs six pounds four ounces. He says she's the cutest baby girl he's ever seen."

"I was cute," Anna said.

"Yes, you were," Diane agreed as she cut up Anna's pork chop. "You still are."

I started to eat my own dinner, glad that I had decided to return to Tulsa. When I had that morning, I had only planned on staying for a few days. But, now that I was back, I realized that I had no reason to return to Chicago. I had friends in Tulsa as well as my folks who still had no idea that I was in town. Tulsa was still home in many ways, even without Soda. It was the only place where I had friends who accepted me no matter what and I was stupid for leaving them. As I ate, I looked at Keith and Darry who were also eating. Both of them didn't seem to mind my sudden visit and Darry even seemed happy to have me there with them like the good old days. I had been gone for way to long.


	4. Chapter 4

"I still can't believe you're back," Keith said to me after supper. "Where have you been hiding all these years?"

"I've been living in Chicago," I replied.

Keith nodded as he sat down in the arm chair. "I see, and you came back because of pony's book."

"Well ..." I looked over at Darry. "It did play a part in my return."

Keith watched the television for a few minutes, but he was really thinking and I knew he wanted to say something. He never was good at hiding his emotions from me. Not even when he was smiling. Something in his face always gave him away. Finally, he turned to face me again.

"You know, some of us missed Soda, too," he said softly. "We still do."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked.

"Steve, you left right after the funeral," Keith told me. "We haven't seen or heard from you until now, and look at you, you're not the same Steve I grew up with. You've changed."

I stared at him, unable to speak. It wasn't something I'd expect to hear out of him. That was more like like something Darry would say or maybe even Ponyboy, but not Keith. In fact, I thought Keith would be a little happier about my return. After all, he had been close to all of us.

"People change," I replied. "Look at you, you're going by your real name. Before I left, very few people remembered that you had a real name."

"I'm not a kid anymore," Keith said. "And that's not the change I'm talking about. What are you doing to yourself, Steve? What have you been taking?"

Darry looked back and forth between me and Keith. The sound of the bathtub filling up with water and Matthew yelling that he wasn't dirty were the only sounds in the house as I tried to think of a lie. Something I had been doing a lot over the years. It was one of the reasons why my wife left me. That and the truth.

"Look Steve," Keith said, breaking the silence. "I'm still your friend. You can tell me what's going on, and I promise not to run out of here in fear."

I managed a small smile. "At least not real fear."

Keith grinned back at me.

"But there's nothing going on," I lied. "Really."

"I lived through the sixties too, you know," Keith said. "Vietnam was hard for everyone."

"You know nothing about Vietnam," I said, trying to stay calm. "You weren't there, you didn't see what happened, and you don't have to relive it every night in your sleep."

"Steve," Darry said as he put a hand on my shoulder.

I sighed as I put my head in my hands. I had only been back in Tulsa a day and already we were talking about the war and Sodapop. Maybe I should have expected it. It wasn't their fault that I had a hard time talking about the war.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Keith said. "I'm just worried about you."

I looked over at him and saw a look of concern on his face. "It's not that. I just have a hard time talking about the war."

"Soda avoided writing about the war," Darry said fondly. "Instead, he would write about the pranks they used to play on each other. I always wondered if he did that so Pony and I wouldn't worry about him so much."

Even though Soda and I weren't together in Vietnam, I know that he probably did write about the pranks to keep his brothers from worrying, or to convince himself that his brothers wouldn't worry. He knew that Darry and Ponyboy were worried about him even though he tried to act like everything was fine. He had to. Everybody knew that Vietnam was claiming the lives of the young men who were over there fighting. The news reminded people of that everyday or at least it seemed like it.

"You worried anyway," Keith told Darry. "So did Ponyboy."

"Yeah," Darry said sadly. Then he squeezed my shoulder. "We were worried about you, too, Steve. I hope you know that."

"Thanks," I said, not knowing what else to say. I had received letters from Ponyboy while I was in Vietnam and still had them tucked away in an old shoe box. Those letters were my only connection to home and I used to reread them often. It didn't surprise me that Soda didn't write much or even Keith, but it did surprise me that Pony took the time to write me an occasional letter because we had never been close friends. It meant a lot to me to know that Ponyboy wanted to keep me informed on what was happening.

"I should probably get going," Keith said. "I hope to see you again soon, Steve. Don't be a stranger anymore."

"I'm not planning on going anywhere," I replied.

Darry smiled. "Does that mean, you're staying here in Tulsa and not going back to Chicago?"

"I'm staying here and not going back," I said. "I have no reason to go back to Chicago."

"Where are you staying?" Keith asked.

"I'm at a motel for now," I replied.

"Can you afford that?" Darry asked. "You're more than welcome to stay here."

I grinned as I stood up. "You put up with me enough when we were younger. I think I can manage until I find a place to live."

"Well, I'll see you both later," Keith said as he walked out the front door.

I turned to Darry. "I think I'll head out, too. You must be getting tired."

"Sure," Darry said as he held the door open. "It was nice having you over. Feel free to stop by at any time."

I waved as I walked down the front steps and to my car. It felt good to know that I still had friends in Tulsa even though Soda was gone. And I knew that when I was back at the motel, I would feel even better. At least that's what I always tried to tell myself before shooting up.


	5. Chapter 5

The motel where I was staying was in poor condition, just like the other buildings in the neighborhood. My room had water stains on the ceiling, more stains on the carpet and I knew there was at least one hole in the wall where a mouse was because I had seen it scurry across the floor when I walked in. But it was a place to stay until I figured out what I was going to do about a more permanent place to stay.

I could have called my folks. My mother would have let me stay with them for a while, but it had been almost three years since I had last talked to them, even though mom had sent me birthday and Christmas cards. She had even sent a card on what would have been my daughter's birthday. The last time we spoke, they had refused to send me money, saying that they wouldn't support my drug habit even after I insisted that it was to help me pay the rent and buy groceries. I hadn't spoken to them since.

Picking up my suitcase, I set it on the bed and opened it, tossing clothes out of it so I could get to what I wanted. I didn't even bother to put my clothes in the dresser that was provided. It wasn't like I was going to live there. Instead, I tossed them on the chair next to the bed, and took out the syringe and the last bit of heroin that I had on me. I would have to find a dealer in Tulsa if I didn't want to go through withdrawal which was never a fun experience. Besides, I needed to have the heroin. It was the only way I could forget the past, even if it was for a short period of time.

I walked across the room and closed the curtains before removing my shirt and tying an elastic band around my arm, just above the elbow. It probably would have been easier if I snorted heroin instead of injecting it straight into my veins, but I never liked getting high that way. Besides, I was good at getting the needle in just right so that it wouldn't miss the vein.

A cop drove past with it's siren on and I paused with my heart pounding. I knew from experience that getting caught with any kind of drug was not a fun experience. They had locked me up in Chicago more than once for drug possession and had even sent me to a rehab center which didn't help me. I wasn't about to get caught when I had just returned to Tulsa. Especially since I didn't want to end up explaining myself to my friends or worrying my mother more than she probably already was. Fortunately, the cop continued to drive to wherever he was going to and I sat on the bed, sighing with relief.

It didn't take long for me to shoot up and it wasn't long before I felt the familiar high that I got from the drug. Over the years as my body got used to the heroin, I had to increase how much I took in order to achieve the high that I wanted. It seemed hard to believe that I had refused to take it the first few times it was offered to me in Vietnam. Back then, I was still young and had dreams of owning a garage someday with Soda. But as my days in the war continued, and I saw more people get killed in ways I wouldn't dare imagine, I finally gave in and tried the drug. I had been using it ever since, along with many others who had served in the war.

Sometimes, I wondered if Soda had ever tried heroin while he was fighting in the war. Maybe if we had fought together, I wouldn't have become a drug addict and maybe he would still be alive. It was something I wondered about often and knew that I would never get an answer to it. Even Darry and Ponyboy wouldn't know if Soda had tried drugs because he wouldn't have wanted them to worry. I hoped he didn't. I would have hated to see heroin destroy Soda's life the way that it was destroying mine.


	6. Chapter 6

I met Keith for lunch the next day at Tastee Freeze. It was hard to remember that he was going by his real name instead of Two-Bit and I had to stop myself several times while talking because I was so used to his childhood nickname. He didn't seem to notice though, and even said I could call him Two-Bit if I really wanted to.

"No, I should get used to calling you Keith," I told him.

"So, tell me about Chicago," Keith said, putting his arms behind his head. "I've been there before for visits, but I want to know what it was like to live there."

"There's not much to tell," I replied. "Living there really wasn't much different from living here."

"Did you ever go swimming in Lake Michigan?" Keith asked.

I shook my head. "No, the water was always too cold for me. It's like stepping into ice water year round."

Keith grinned and took a drink of his sweet tea, something I didn't think I'd ever see him drink. He was still the funny guy that I had grown up with, only he had become more serious and mature.

"You know, I've missed having you around," Keith said after awhile. "I miss Pony, too. It's not the same around here without you guys."

"It hasn't been the same since Johnny and Dally died," I pointed out.

"No," Keith sighed. "But I didn't think there would be so many changes in such a short amount of time. It's like everything happened so fast and none of us really had a chance to get used to one change before another one happened."

I knew what he meant. The gang was still getting over the loss of Johnny and Dally when I got sent over to Vietnam and Soda went not long after I did. It seemed like our world was turned upside down in an instant and it never occurred to me that Keith may have had a hard time dealing with all the changes that went on. After all, he had always had a smile on his face and a joke to keep us grinning ourselves. I never thought that maybe he was hurting too, and just didn't know how to deal with it. He wasn't one to let someone know if something was bothering him. As far as he was concerned, his job was to keep everyone else happy while he kept his true emotions to himself.

"I missed you, too," I admitted.

"You could have called," Keith told me.

"I know," I sighed.

"But I understand why you didn't," Keith continued.

"You do?" I asked.

"Hey, you're not the only one who was good friends with Soda," Keith said with a small grin. "Sure, it would have been nice to have you and Pony stick around, but I can understand why both of you would want to leave."

"Didn't Ponyboy get drafted, too?" I asked.

Keith shrugged. "I'm really not sure. He left as soon as he turned eighteen because he didn't want to get drafted. I think his moving to Canada was harder on Darry than losing Soda was. Darry used to worry about Ponyboy constantly when he first moved away. It wasn't until Ponyboy came home for a visit after the war was over that Darry was finally okay with the idea of him living so far away. He knows that Ponyboy is just a phone call away and will visit when he can."

"Have you ever been to Ponyboy's house?" I found myself asking.

"Darry has," Keith replied. "You should ask him to show you pictures of it when you see him again. It's a really nice looking house, although I supposed the pictures aren't as nice as seeing the house in person."

"I'll have to do that," I told him as he looked at his watch.

"Well, I hate to say it, but I have to get back to work," Keith said with a sigh. "You have my phone number, right?"

"Yes I do," I said as we stood up.

"Give me a call sometime," Keith told me. "Although I'm sure I'll be seeing you at Darry's later."

"Yeah, he invited me over for supper again tonight," I said.

"You can see the pictures of Ponyboy's house," Keith said. "I'll see you later."

I stood outside the building and watched as Keith got into his car and drove away. It had been nice talking with him again. I had forgotten what a good friend he was and felt bad for not staying in touch with him. Maybe my leaving after Soda's death had been a selfish move on my part, but at the time, I didn't know what else to do. Just like I didn't know how to give up my drug habit.


	7. Chapter 7

I decided to go to the house where I had grown up after I left the Tastee Freeze just to see if anything had changed. When I got there, I parked across the street where the Douglas family had lived. Last I heard, they had moved to an apartment. Now a different family lived there, not that I cared.

Sighing, I got out of the car and stood there watching my old childhood home. It felt as though I was looking through a fence even though the yard didn't have one. After a few minutes, I started to get back in the car when the front door opened and my mom stepped onto the porch. She looked in my direction with a curious expression. Then when she realized who I was, she quickly walked to the car and threw her arms around me. Tears were running down her cheeks as she pulled away to get a better look at me.

"Steve, is it really you?" She asked in disbelief.

"Yeah mom," I replied. "It's really me."

"Well, why are you standing out here like a stranger? Come inside."

I followed her into the house and saw that not much had changed.

"I take it dad's out?" I asked. My father had never been one to stay in the house for long.

My mom looked at me. "Your father passed away earlier this year. I tried to call to tell you, but your phone was disconnected."

I took a minute to let my mother's words sink in. "How did he die?"

"He had a heart attack while he was out golfing with some friends," she replied. "When he died, I thought my family was gone. I didn't even know if you were even still alive or dead in a gutter somewhere."

"Mom, I'm right here," I whispered.

"And I want to touch you to make sure I'm not dreaming," mom told me as she touched my cheek just like she used to do when I was little. "Why the surprise visit?"

"I'm moving back," I said. "I'm staying at the old motel down by the railroad tracks until I can get a job and get an apartment."

"You could stay here," she told me.

"That's what Darry said," I said with a small grin.

"You have people who care about you," she said softly. "I get letters from Ponyboy every so often and he always asks about you."

I was surprised, yet pleased to hear that Ponyboy had been staying in touch with my mom. He had never known her that well while we were growing up.

"You know, I was almost afraid to come here to the house," I admitted.

Mom looked at me in surprise. "Now why on earth would you be afraid to come here?"

I sat down at the dining room table and sighted. "I thought I wouldn't be welcome. After our last conversation, I thought I wouldn't be wanted here."

"Steve, your father and I didn't want to watch you destroy your life with those drugs. We didn't mean we didn't want to talk to you or see you."

Memories of my father telling me to get out of the house and never returned filled my mind. I spent many nights on the couch at the Curtis's back then. To hear that he might have welcomed me if I had returned sooner was hard to believe.

"Your father cared about you," mom said as if she were reading my thoughts. "I know you don't believe me and I don't expect you to, but you should know that while you were in Vietnam and even after you left to go to Chicago, he worried about you constantly. He may have been too harsh with his choice of words, but he still loved you."

"Dad worried about me while I was in Vietnam?"

"We all did," she whispered. "But for him, knowing that you were over there brought back memories of him being in World War Two. He knew better than the rest of us what you might have been going through. And when Soda died, he actually broke down and cried."

"I was back here when Soda died," I reminded her. I had been home for almost six months when Soda lost his life.

"Yes, but your father knew that it could have been you. He knew that day you left for the war that it could have been his last time seeing you."

"I never knew that," I said.

"Your father was always to proud to show any real emotion," mom replied. "Kind of like you."

I looked at her.

"The two of you always buried your emotions in work or other things. Your father with his job at the factory and you with all those cars you used to work on."

"And the heroin," I whispered.

"You can get help for that, Steve," mom told me.

"It's too hard."

"I never said it would be easy," she replied. "And I can't force you. Neither can your friends. What I can tel you is if and when you decide to get help, we'll all be there to support you. You can get clean again. I know you can."

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Steve you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to believe it."

"Well, maybe it is time that I faced my demons instead of always trying to run from them," I sighed. "I just don't know if I can do it."

Mom just gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as she stood up to leave the table. I recalled the times when I was younger and she told me that she believed in me. Apparently that was still true even though I had managed to make a big mess out of my life.


End file.
